TERMS OF USE

(THE “WE CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE READING THIS” EDITION)

Effective Date: Precisely 12 minutes after you yell “Where’s the remote?” and it turns out you’re sitting on it.

By using our website — which you somehow found between scrolling, snarking, and forgetting why you opened your laptop — you agree to the following terms. Imagine triumphant trumpets in a majestically lit cathedral. We promise it’s better than a root canal without Novocaine.

1. You Agree to the Following Ridiculous Yet Important Truths:

  • You are, in all likelihood, a human—possibly caffeinated—who understands sarcasm and possesses the academic moral status required to click “Accept.”
  • You won’t sue us for any reason but you are the type who likes having lawyers on hand anyway because you’d like to argue about the price of a questionable burrito.
  • You will hold us responsible for:
    • Sudden fits of laughter in inappropriate settings (like funerals, yoga class, or the DMV).
    • Unexplainable snorting after reading a sentence about duck socks.
    • Making poor life choices after mistaking our sarcasm for serious life advice.

We also disclaim we are not your mother, your personal life coach, or your Aunt Jane who still writes checks at the grocery line.

2. Our Content Will Not Save You. But It Will Entertain You.

Everything on this site is designed to:

  • Make you laugh about random things.
  • Inspire you to write fabulous, not faulty, disclaimers.
  • Guilt you into becoming the person who says, “Back in my day…” and then forgets the rest of the sentence.

That said, nothing here is investment advice. If you’re about to convert your entire IRA into llama futures based on a paragraph we wrote while hopped up on black licorice and hot sauce… maybe take a step back. If you’re thinking, “Wow, I should invest all my money based on random comedic blog posts because it relates somehow to the metaphysics of cheese,” just realize that’s a bad idea.

3. Swipe Our Content and We’ll Send the AARP Mafia

This site is packed with 100% original, hand‐spun nonsense, whipped up by a neurotic comedic brain in the aftermath of an existential meltdown. It’s meant to be funny. Do not copy it. Do not distribute it. Do not stick it into your local satire brochure labeled “Retirement Home Quarter‐Life Crisis Edition.”

If you dare to copy/paste our words into your blog, ad, email—God help you—bathroom stall graffiti, here’s what happens:

  • We will find you. Even if you’re hiding behind a fake Facebook account with a profile pic of a golden retriever named “Fluffy.”
  • We’ll send a mob of angry AARP retirees armed with flip phones, ready to record your blatant text‐pilfering.
  • We will enroll you in a 1‐hour interpretive dance retelling of “The History of Cheese.”
  • We will revoke your Early Bird Special privileges indefinitely.

And finally… we’ll force you to explain copyright law to your Aunt Doris. On a cellphone. At Thanksgiving. Seriously… Don’t mess with us! We’ve got time, snacks, and zero chill.

4. We’re Not Responsible for… Well, Anything Really

Use our site at your own risk, which is basically the same advice we give for roller‐blading after age 60. We are not liable for:

  • Emotional damage from reading a post partially captioned “Live, Laugh, & Tacos.”
  • Technical difficulties that make our site flicker like your cousin Dale’s computer from 1999.
  • Unforeseen mental confusion caused by realizing you’ve been mispronouncing “Tooth Fairy” since 2007.
  • Physical ailments incurred from bad posture or jumping on your bed in adult pajamas.
  • Financial ruin from your own questionable decisions.
  • Chronic illusions that you are going to spend 45 minutes talking to the TV screen thinking it’s Alexa.

Basically, we disclaim everything. If you do something wild after reading our content, that’s on you, tiger.

5. External Links a.k.a. “We Are No Longer Responsible for Your Life Choices”

Sometimes we link to other websites. Sometimes those websites are helpful. Sometimes they look like they were designed by a caffeinated raccoon during a thunderstorm. We try to keep it classy over here, but let’s be real—the internet is basically the Wild West of random content. Once you click away, it’s all on you. We disclaim any accidental fall into pop‐up ads, conspiracy theories, or black holes if you tried “Top 10 Reasons Your Toaster Might Be a Spy.”

We are not responsible for what happens to your soul, sanity, or search history once you leave this site. Click at your own risk. We’re not your mom. We’re not your IT guy. You’ve got a mouse, a finger, and hopefully a shred of judgment. Use them wisely.

6. We Can Change This Stuff Whenever We Want

If we update this masterpiece of legal brilliance, we’ll post it right here — no fireworks or confetti letters. Just good old scrolling.

By continuing to read, use, or lounge to whatever new nonsense we dream up—including but not limited to:

  • Mandatory pajama theme for all site visitors.
  • Glitter alerts at random scroll depths.
  • The cameo of a questionable ‘80s rock star (think “Sabrina”).

Basically, if you stick around, you’re saying “Yes, I consent to whatever weird and wonderful rearrangements this website hurls!” Don’t act surprised when things change because legally, ignorance isn’t bliss.

7. Galactic Legal Mumbo Jumbo (That Probably Holds Up in Court… Somewhere)

These Terms are governed by the timeless, unwritten laws of the universe—specifically the corners of the galaxy that appreciate comedic disclaimers, interstellar puns, and a borderline obsession with cheese.

We disclaim that you cannot hold us financially or legally liable for a piñata in a bathrobe spontaneously dancing the Samba and carrying our witty content. We’re not responsible for mind‐boggling happenings like “One day the site just vanished” or “Why won’t this sarcasm‐laced Terms of Use load on my smartphone?!” Should carnivorous llamas invade the website, it’s also not on us. Because apparently “the internet can’t handle all the awesomeness?”

8. How to Reach Us Without Summoning a Seance

We’d love to hear from you—just not via phone, fax, or interpretive dance.

How to Contact Us (Digitally Only, Thank You):

  • Email Address: some_invented_email@centerforentertainmentnonsense.com (for example)

Honestly, that’s it. We don’t answer carrier pigeons, so email is our best route.

  • Phone: Hard pass. We don’t answer calls unless it’s from our grandkids, the pizza place, or someone offering us early access to the Costco senior sample hour.
  • In-Person: Also never. But if you’re looking for us, please notice how attached we are to our password, a floppy disk, and your beeper number. We’ll be impressed, but we’ll admire your commitment to 1996.
  • Carrier Pigeons: Last we heard, they’re extinct in our region and moved to Boca Raton.
  • Smoke Signals: Must be pre‐scheduled with our legal team and approved by the local fire hazard oversight board. No dorky submission forms, please.
  • Raven Deliveries: Only if you bribe them with bacon. (Owls are strictly for the Harry Potter crowd.)

That said, if you absolutely must, you can send us a letter. We’ll keep it in a box labeled “things” in a corner.

9. Final Words & Other Unnecessary Heroics

A.k.a.: You Actually Read All This? Wow. Hurt You?

If you’ve read to the end of this glorious legal buffet of nonsense, first off: wow. “’Cause the entire thing probably happened sometime between you ignoring phone calls from someone named ‘Linda’ and you contemplating rummaging in your snack drawer.”

Here’s the final takeaway, dear friend: we disclaim all actual “better things to do,” you disclaim you have them. The result is a comedic standoff. So let’s part with a few final shots to ensure your comedic journey is complete:

  • A virtual standing ovation from a room full of retirees wearing matching track suits.
  • An awkward slow dance with a Roomba that’s been drinking battery acid.
  • A coupon for free irony at your nearest coffee shop.
  • A hamper of mismatched socks, signifying your admiration of chaos.
  • The knowledge that sarcasm is best served lukewarm, and maybe watch something dumb on Netflix before you expire.

So yeah… the spirit of this agreement lives on. Even if parts of it legally die.